


Of Stags And Does

by mariuspondmercy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, in which lily isn't actually with snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3609177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariuspondmercy/pseuds/mariuspondmercy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She could stop working undercover. She could be with James instead. But her work is important, the Order needs the information. Even if it means dealing with Severus on a daily basis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Stags And Does

**Author's Note:**

> based on a [tumblr prompt](http://mariuspondmercy.tumblr.com/post/82427795820/lily-is-dating-snape-but-she-is-having-an-affair) I got a while ago: lily is dating snape but she is having an affair with james but she gets pregnant by james james/lily.

"Come back to bed..." the young man murmured into the general direction of the bedroom door. 

It was dark, inside the room as well as outside. Still hours before sunrise. 

"My angel, come back to bed..."

"You know I have to leave. I'll be back soon, you know that, too." The woman bent down to press a soft kiss on the man's forehead. "You know I have a mission."

"Don't you have a few minutes to spare?"

"No, I'm sorry, honey. You know I can't be late to meet up with Bellatrix." The woman sighed, running her hand through her thick, dark-red hair to tie it in bun. She picked up her knickers, carelessly thrown on the ground last night. 

As her fingers slid up the outside of her thighs, she shudders a little, thanking Merlin that the room was still dark and her boyfriend didn't see her reaction.

He wouldn't approve. 

Silently, the redhead got dressed.

"I'll see you tonight. Stay safe." Again, she kissed the man's forehead. 

As she was about to withdraw, he grabbed her arms softly, pulling her down to him to plant a passionate kiss on her lips.

She returned it half-heartedly, breaking the kiss quickly. 

"Sorry, I really need to leave now, Honey." Without another word, the woman left the flat they have lived in together for the past two years. 

They have been dating for five years now and Lily, the redhead, was certain that her boyfriend would soon ask her to marry him. The thought scared her more than anything in the world. It scared her more than meeting Bellatrix Lestrange and that was one scary woman to meet!

Left hand of the Dark Lord himself, Bellatrix could see through people as if they were glass. 

It had cost Lily a lot of training to properly conceal her mind and thoughts from her. And her boyfriend, for that matter. 

The meeting with Bellatrix went rather well. She found out about when and where the new attack was supposed to take place. Vital information during this phase of the Wizarding War. 

It was a wonder that they had accepted Lily, born from non-magical parents, into their midst. Being the girlfriend of Severus Snape, one of Lord Voldemort's most loyal followers,most certainly helped accepting her and her background. It had been hard, though. Lily went through a lot to get to where she was now. She had been given a truth potion, had been tortured, jinxed and questions more times than she could keep track of. 

The end result was that Lily was completely neutral. While she didn't comply with the Death Eaters' way of handling the situation, she had no desire to interfere with the system. She just wanted to be with Severus, nothing else. 

After her meeting with Bellatrix, Lily bought groceries and went back home. Her boyfriend had already left for work, leaving the bed neatly made. 

She still had the whole day left, not needing to go on a proper mission today. Yes, even though she was neutral, she was on missions. She was supposed to deliver messages between Death Eaters since it didn't involve doing anything against her philosophy. It was a job, though it carried certain risks with it. Someone could start distrusting her, could jinx her or hold her captive. The people from the Order - the ones opposing the Death Eaters - could catch and kill her.

But she wasn't really afraid of any of that.

Humming, Lily prepared herself a cuppa when a little bird tapped on her window.

She opened it, letting the sparrow into the small and generally dark flat.

Lily had tried to somehow bring light into it when they first moved in together. Flowers, plants, table lamps or photos but the flat still seemed so dark and cramped, even though there was only the most necessary furniture in it. The windows were small, the wooden panels on the floor dark and even the white walls couldn't ease the eerie atmosphere. She had never mentioned it, though. 

"Hey little buddy" Lily smiled at the sparrow, pushing a small bowl with water towards it, "What do you have for me?"

The bird stretched his leg towards Lily, who took a small piece of paper from it, thanking the sparrow and giving it half of her own biscuit. 

Lily unfolded the paper, reading its content:

_Lily,_

_Hope you're doing alright today. Just wanted to let you know that my sister's baby boy was born; 3 kilos heavy._

_\- Stan_

Smiling, Lily burnt the paper as soon as she had read the message. No one could know about this, it was too dangerous. 

Immediately after the sparrow had left, Lily closed the window again. She had time until 3pm today before she had to apparate to the messenger's place. She hoped their code was unsuspicious enough to not get them into trouble. 

They had agreed on using the name of an old schoolfriend as their alibi. Since Stan had moved to a different country anyway and died there, no one could trace him back if anyone would get suspicious. 

It was a fairly simple system: the baby boy meant that they would meet at his place, not hers. The weight of the child indicated the time and they'd meet today because that was stated in the first sentence. 

A system easy enough to figure out and yet hopefully clever enough to stay hidden.

At 3pm sharp, Lily apparated directly into his flat. 

The second she touched the ground, his arms flung around her, hugging her close to him. 

"I've missed you" he whispered into her ear, inhaling her scent. 

"Missed you, too" Lily mumbled against his collarbone, kissing the skin softly, "Don't let go of me, please. Not for a while at least."

"I would never dream of such a thing."

Lily chuckled and placed soft kisses along his collarbone, up his throat and along his jawline. "I haven't seen you in 11 days, James. 11 days! That's more than a week." She stepped away from him just enough to look up into his eyes, her hands on his chest.

"Why didn't you write earlier? Did something happen? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Lils, I'm fine. I was in St. Mungo's for a couple of days but nothing too serious. No need to worry." He kissed the tip of her nose, causing her to blush. 

"How are the others?"

"Remus and Sirius are perfectly fine. They keep asking about you but I don't tell them much. The less they know, the smaller the risk for them. How's Peter?"

"Kissing Voldemort's ass. It's awful, I hate seeing it so much. I don't understand how he can betray all of you!"

"Well, Lils.. you're currently betraying your own boyfriend. Not only in his ideology but also your relationship. Not that I'm complaining..."

"Yeah, but you know I do it to give you information, to keep the Death Eaters from killing too many people" Lily protested.

"I know.You are the bravest person I know. How much time do we have?"

"I have to be back at half seven."

"Okay. Do you want to take a bath?" James smiled at her as Lily nodded. 

She liked taking baths with him because after she had been with Severus she always felt dirty. But after a bath with James, after smelling just like he did, she felt right. Simply right. Like she belonged where she was, without ever questioning it. 

After their bath, Lily and James lay down on his bed in James' small apartment. It was cramped, but differently than hers and Severus'. James had too much furniture, even more plants, lamps and photos. None of her, of course. Better safe than sorry. 

His apartment was much much smaller than hers, walking in it was a challenge but everything here felt so much lighter, so much more alive. As if the walls were breathing out pure love. 

Lily lay on her side, facing James. She traced his features with her fingertips, smiling when he placed a small kiss on her finger as she touched his lips. 

"James, I love you."

The smile he gave her made her heart flutter and her stomach turn upside down. He pulled her towards him, kissing her tenderly. 

"And that's why this is going to hurt even more... we shouldn't see each other anymore. We need to keep our distance, we need to stop this..."

James nodded, running his hand through his still wet hair. "I understand where you come from. I know this is dangerous for both of us. I don't want to be scared anymore. I'm fine with risking my own life but I know what our affair is means. If anyone ever finds out, you'll be dead. It's the sensible thing to do, isn't it? To break it off."

"It's the sensible thing to do", Lily nodded, "And if this is our last day until the War is over, I want to mesmerize every little thing about you. I want to remember how your skin feels beneath my palm for when I have to touch someone else and want to pretend it's you. I need to know how you kiss, I need to know how you taste and smell and laugh. How your eyes have small crinkles when you laugh. I need to remind myself how you take your tea so I can make mine your way when I miss you so much that it hurts."

Smiling lightly, James kissed her softly. "It's the sensible thing to do" he reassured her and himself again. 

"Can you hold me until I need to go?" 

"Of course." He drew her as close as possible, simply holding, caressing and kissing Lily until they had to get dressed again.

Lily sighed heavily, taking James' hands in hers. "Can you tell Remus and Sirius something from me? Can you tell them that I love those rascals very much? Hug them from me, will you? I hope I'll see them soon. And you, too. Never forget that I love you more than anything in my life."

"Why can't you just stay here? Hide. No one will ever find you. You'll be safe and you don't have to be with him anymore. You don't have to get touched by him or sleep with him."

"You know we can't do it this way."

James nodded, brushing his thumb over her cheek tenderly. "Tell me one thing before you leave, Lily. Was there ever a time you loved him?"

"I loved him very much. He used to be my best friend and I fell for him, 8 years ago. I loved him with all my heart but never as much as I love you. For three years, I loved him more everyday. Then I stopped. I stopped loving him the exact moment he killed Marlene. But you know why I kept going. You know why I need to keep going." 

"I know. Wait, let me give you something. I actually wanted to wait with it until the War is over but I guess you could use a reminder."

He rummaged around his nightstand. "Ah, there we go!" James beamed at her, handing Lily a self-made bracelet. "I know, it isn't much. But it's out eye colours and being in a bed in St. Mungo's can get really boring so I thought I'd make it for you."

"This is... the best thing someone ever gave me." Lily smiled and kissed him passionately and tied the bracelet around her wrist. "It is perfect. I wish I could give you something, too."

"You've given me hope and love, Lily. That's better than anything. I think it's time to leave now, Lils."

"Yes..." She kissed him again, running her fingers through his hair for a last time before she disapparated. 

She couldn't give Severus a proper explanation as to why she was not feeling well when he came home. Or during the weeks after. She came up with all sorts of excuses but they were hardly believable. 

Until one day, about six weeks later, she had found one which explained everything to him: pregnancy. 

Lily was pregnant. And she didn't know from whom. Luckily, James and Severus shared similar features. Both had black hair and dark eyes, were about the same height. James' skin was darker than Severus' but that shouldn't be much of a problem, Lily hoped. Although hope... she wasn't sure what exactly she hoped. For the child to be James', to be from the man she loved? Or for the child to be Severus', from the man who protected her and would now do everything to keep her and the child alive? 

In her heart there was only one answer, one hoped-for father: James. 

"I have great news!" Severus exclaimed one evening when he came home, kissing his soon-to-be-wife. He had proposed the second she told him about her pregnancy and Lily had accepted for the sake of her safety. 

"Which news?" Lily asked, handing him a cuppa and sitting down. Six months pregnant, standing got harder and harder. Her feet were full of water, they hurt and so did her back. She was almost certain the baby was James'. Never told him about it though. He would've stood at her door a second later, begging her to go into hiding, to leave the mission the Order had assigned to her, to leave Severus. The mission was too important, too many lives were at stake. She couldn't risk it and staying with Severus, bearing his supposed child, even marrying him was the best shot she had at keeping herself safe. 

"You know that Potter guy who stalked you in school and made my life a living hell?"

Lily felt like every bit of life had suddenly left her body. News about James, for Severus good news about James, could never be good news for her. 

"Yes..." She croaked, trying hard to keep a straight face although everything inside her wanted to scream out her pain.

"Well, encountered him today. Remember that little spell I invented, the one to slice open people? I stood by and watched him bleed dry. It was the most satisfactory feeling I have had in a long time." He grinned, kissing her while placing a hand on her bump. 

"I can imagine..." Lily whispered. First Marlene, now James. What about Sirius and Remus? Were they still alive? Would Severus tell her if they were dead? Probably. He'd savour the moment and expect her to join in. 

"I'm sorry, honey, I don't feel very well. Today was exhausting for me, our mini-me didn't stop kicking. You can tell me more about your mission tomorrow, alright? I just take a quick shower and then go to bed."

"Oh yes, of course my angel." He kissed her again, beaming at her. "God, I love you so much, Lily."

"I love you too" she smiled, though the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Quickly, Lily got up and locked herself into the bathroom. 

She stripped down, turning on the shower and stepping under it. Maybe it wasn't true. Maybe James didn't bleed dry and Severus just thought so but in reality someone found James just in time and he was currently in St. Mungo's, recovering from the 'Sectumsempra' spell.

Just maybe.

She was glad the sound of the shower drained out her sobs, not letting Severus notice how she felt. So far getting back to James was all the hope she needed to push through the pregnancy and the upcoming marriage. Now Severus had taken that hope away from her. 

She had to be certain. 

Drying herself off, Lily put on her jimjams before heading back into the living room where Severus was currently reading the newspaper.

"Angel, I thought you wanted to go to sleep?"

"Oh, I will. I just wanted to write a letter to Peter, telling him about Potter. Thought he should know, since Potter used to treat him just as badly as he treated us."

"I have such a clever wife", Severus grinned.

Lily was just happy he believed the lie. Now she really had to write a letter to Peter though. Taking her owl into the bedroom, she started to write to Pettigrew.

_Peter,_

_Severus killed James Potter._

_Thought you'd ought to know._

That was all. Her letter to Sirius was longer. She had thought about this, about sending him a note. But she had to. She had to know and she knew how risky it was. She knew it could kill her and Sirius but she had to know. Lily just hoped that, in case someone found the letter, Severus was still willing to protect her and his supposed child.

_Pads,_

_Sniv told me he finished off a hart at hunting today. Is it true? How's your pet doing? I'm expecting. The fawn will be here in three months. I need you to be true to yourself. My heart goes out to you and your pet if Silvanus fell._

_Love, his doe._

Lily looked over the letter again and again. All the important details were in there and she was sure Sirius would show it to Remus and he could decode it. She had included that Severus claimed to have killed James - as hart was just another word for stag -, asked about Remus, said that she was pregnant with James' child and that she wanted Sirius and Remus to be brave, to not come and get her. She wanted them to know that she thought about them in case James had really died. Lily just hoped that Remus would get the hint with Silvanus but he was fairly accustomed to Roman mythology, so it should work out. 

Trembling, Lily tied both letters to her owl's legs, sending the bird into the night. 

Curling up under the sheets of the bed, Lily didn't fall asleep until way after Severus had joined her. Her dreams were full of James, smiling, crying, kissing her, dying. 

She woke up to Severus caressing her bump, whispering soothing words into her ear. Inwardly, she cringed, not wanting the hands of a murderer so close to her baby. But on the outside, she tried to calm herself down, to take deep breaths and relax in her fiances arms. 

Still, she didn't fall asleep again, afraid of the nightmares to return. They did, though not in her dreams but in reality. 

Around noon the next day, her owl came back, carrying a small message. All it said was:  _Doe, true. Stay safe. Come home soon. Love, M & P. _

It was confirmed. James was dead. Died at the hands of her soon-to-be-husband, died at the hands of the man who was going to raise his son. 

How could she ever tell her son? 


End file.
